Journeys

As may be apparent from previous blogs, I have been on a journey. Not to a *place* but to a...different level of being, of awareness. It has been a journey into the dark. A journey I would not trade or alter. It has given me such valuable mementos. Yes, I had the opportunity to pick up a few souveniers on my trip.
I got the one where I learned to listen, really listen to my body and give it what it needs. Cause if I don't, it lets me know!
I got the one where I realised that the Goddess was there the whole time; a witness and a support but not easing anything I needed to experience, not *saving* me. Allowing me to do my own learning and growing. I felt *held* but I knew the work was mine to do.
I have brought back with me a knowledge of how fragile I can be and that it doesn't actually mean I am weak.
I have a new awareness of my motives in relationships. Now whether or not I can put that information to go use or not remains to be seen.
This was not a journey I would have embarked on gleefully but it was very useful and I am grateful for the experience. I find myself in a sea of calmness today. I needed that calmness and was surprised by it. I had to have a conversation with Chris. It was important that I get some information that I needed to set clear boundaries and I really needed for myslef to ask him to sort out the lies from the truth. Well, in as far as he can be trusted, he did. I am inclined to believe him because it would have served him better to say they were all lies. Which he did not. And this information is vital in setting boundaries that I can live with. Like, is he welcome in my house? No, I do not entertain active addicts in my home. I do not! Is he still my friend? Yes, but there must be a new distance between us. I can not and will not play games with him. I am not going to stand around and watch while he explodes. But, I can allow him to make his own choices and learn his own lessons and still love him. Right now, he does not understand why my love feels different to him. The boundaries have been reset. They feel cold.

And something else:
A line from a chant: We dare to call her to our lives.
Dancing changing we are.

We've had a lot of explosive rituals ever since last Samhain. I'm not complaining, mind you. I'm just noticing. I don't think we're done yet. I know this situation isn't done. (with Chris) And it leads into this. I was surprised by the grief that followed his announcement and the visions of all the dead addicts in my life. Each one has been present ever since he went back out. See, the love that I have for him will be a love that is really painful until this is resolved either by his death or his recovery. That may sound harsh but I think that is why these beloved dead have been haunting me. For what purpose, though? To help me perpare for his death? To help me remember just why I have set such stringent boundaries? As a reminder for me? I don't know, but they continue to swirl and share their pain. And I loved them too. Perhaps to remind me that love is not always enough. I hope they will further enlighten me soon.